JJ SAYS: Petition for divorce from Giants

Public notice: Petition for divorce

Plantiff: Joe A. Fan

Defendant: San Francisco Giants Baseball Club

Co-defendants: Will Smith, Derek Law, Javier Lopez, Hunter Strickland

Accessories: Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla

Complaint: Alienation of affection; severe emotional distress

Specifics: On or about the date of Sept. 19, 2016, the defendant and named co-defendants did willfully and with predetermined inefficiency inflict severe emotional distress on the plaintiff by maliciously allowing acknowledged members of the notorious Gang of Blue to steal glory and a coveted championship from the grasp of the Plaintiff and other of a similar creed. Such action caused irreparable damage to the psyche of Plaintiff and his associates.

It is further alleged that the Defendants’ callous action resulted in such emotional distress that the Plaintiff was forced into consuming two large bowls of chocolate ice cream, and several of his associates to resort to the use of alcoholic beverages.

Prior to the specific incident, the Defendants displayed a continuing proclivity for disturbing behavior designed to produce anger, frustration, anxiety and rage in the Plaintiff.

Provocative behavior has included, but is not limited to: fits of wildness, inappropriate pitch selection, inactive curve balls, pitches that too often are not confined to playing fields, weakly struck pop-ups, two-for-one bargains offered to opposing defenses and stranded base runners.

Injuries: Aforementioned actions have resulted in emotional and physical damage to the Plaintiff, including, but not limited to: hair loss, diminishing stature, pimples, sleepless nights, lack of focus, fatigue, incidents of rage and frequent sobbing.

Restraining order: The Plaintiff requests that the specifically mentioned Defendants cease and desist from all activities involving the San Francisco Giants Baseball Club.

Furthermore, the Plantiff requests that there be no further contact between him and said baseball organization, either in person or via television, computer streaming, radio or word of mouth until such time that said baseball organization can re-establish its standing as a bona-fide Major League baseball team.

Compensation: In compensation for damages caused to the Plaintif, he requests: One legitimate home run hitter; one proven closing pitcher; one crab sandwich and a player to be named later.

(Contact John Jackson at johnie.jackson@argus-courier.com)